Well, so much has changed since I last wrote but now that we are settled in our new life here in Roanoke I think it's time for me to start writing again.
So what to talk about since I haven't written in so long? How about my son. When I was writing before he wasn't here yet and I was just mentally preparing for what was to come and I must say, NOTHING could have prepared me for Mommy mode. It is literally THE GREATEST thing that a person could experience. I've said I was happy before and it's almost heartbreaking at how far from "happy" I really was!!! My son is just the apple of my eye!!! It's alarming/gratifying at how fast he is growing and learning. He's developing so fast it's hard them o decide what to feel. Part of me is proud and excited and yet every single night before Frank gets home he takes a nap before dinner and he curls up on my chest and I take a moment to turn off the tv and just be consumed by all his perfection. Every single day I cry and hug him and wish he was still just a baby newborn and then cry and thank God he's so healthy, beautiful, and intelligent. I understand why growing up is so hard for parents to watch. I want another child so bad but I don't know if I can handle the heartbreak of them growing up. It's a beautiful amazing thing but it's hard to think that soon they won't need you or want you as much. I cannot adequately describe the love and infatuation I have for my son. I say infatuated because something new every single day just has me unable to tear my eyes away from him. If he's a disease I'll willingly and happily die by his illness.
A good friend recently asked me how Frank and I make it work. I told them, I have no fucking clue. I don't know that we "work" at all sometimes bc of our differences but somehow we seem to see past it all no matter what. We fight hard but love each other harder and that's something I'm proud of. When he walks in the door from work every night, the sight of him alone makes my heart skip a beat. When we put Frankie to bed and kiss his forhead, I swoon at how much he loves and cares for our son. When we are driving down the road on our little family trips to the mall or out to eat and he takes my hand, I feel my cheeks get flushed and I always smile. When he rolls over and bear cuddles me at night telling me he loves me and goodnight, my HEART smiles. When I hear his ringtone or text tone go off my stomach gets into knots and I can't wait to grab my phone and see what he says. Frank drives me absolutely crazy all the time. He knows how to push my buttons and he will do it without remorse. He does things continuously knowing how much I hate them....but at the end of the day I'll be damned if I don't find myself still in that "honeymoon" stage and just nearly unable to contain my love for my BEST FRIEND.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know how or why anything has turned out the way it has for me but I know it's perfection and it's more than I ever could have asked for. I went from a hot mess, irresponsible, raging alcoholic to....whatever I am now. A sober, happy, healthy mom and life partner and I'd like to think I'm damn good at both. It isn't easy. It's hard. I was warned but warnings can't prepare you. I didn't think I'd be able to do it either but....here I am. I'm doing it happily and it's getting easier. I'm doing what I was meant to do...be a mommy.
I've come to realize....Frank is my soulmate and Frankie is my soul.
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