I'm always quick to apologize, but that doesn't always mean I'm sorry for what I said or did. I usually specifically say that I'm sorry for making you feel a certain way. Over the last few months, everyone ranging from close friends, to my own family, to Frank himself....everyone seems to have gone out on a limb to say or do something to upset me or make me feel like myself and Baby Frankie are just a burden that no one wants to deal with. Feeling what I've felt should and would anger most, but I don't like being hurt and I don't like hurting those I love even when they strike first, so I'm always quick to fix a situation and let by gones be by gones. Because I'm such a forgiving person I don't see the use in making things awkward or drawn out when they can be fixed by everyone swallowing their pride and either apologizing or accepting an apology. I'm not always the one that's ready to make nice per say...but I'm at least willing to accept that the offer to fix things is on the table.
It hits me every now and then how soon little Frankie is going to be here and I know he can hear and feel what all goes on around him. I don't want him to feel anger, or frustration I feel. I want him to feel the yearning for things to always be right between all the voices he's hearing around him. I want him to know that all the voices he hears are people that love him and can't wait for him to be here and I want him to know that everyone is happy with everyone and he's got a lot to look forward to when he gets here. It breaks my heart to think of him hearing the hurtful things that everyone including myself say about others. I never took into consideration how different Frank and I are until we don't see eye to eye on something. He's a prideful person who does everything with passion and he's a stubborn person willing to hold a grudge against the world just for the sake of not giving in first. Over the last couple of years I've learned to push my pride aside because it became a downfall for me. I also do everything passionately because I love and hate so hard. I'm stubborn but I'm merciful and really do want constant peace: a concept that I know is ludacris and unrealistic but something I yearn for none the less. I hope our son inherits a bit of all these qualities from both of us, but ultimately I hope he learns from what he's hearing now and I hope he understands that losing every fight, giving in first, waving a white flag, saying sorry even when you're not always in the wrong, picking and chosing your battles, being forgiving: ALL of it is worth it for love. Saying you're sorry can fix someone's world and if it's really just you biting your tongue and holding back then so be it because sometimes it's not always about what you want or need, sometimes it's about someone else.
It's not about my friends, it's not about my parents, or brothers, or sisters, or grandparents. It's not about any of Frank's family, it's not about myself or Frank. It's not about what any of us think or want or feel. It's not about us.
It's about little Frank Wood Roberts and it's about HIM being happy and learning to LOVE.
I hope he's getting the message of how I feel right now so he knows he's loved and things will be ok...and at the end of the day, through laughter, through tears, through the screaming and fighting, through the agreements and camaraderie, forgivness and apologies....it's about LOVE.
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