Well today I am exactly 27 weeks along with this very scary and exciting pregnancy. That means that in 90 days little Frank Wood Roberts will be gracing us with his presence. I absolutely cannot wait.
This started out as a huge shock, because I've never been the girl that wanted kids...ever. As a matter of fact I was pretty set on never having kids because I simply never wanted them. I was fine with always being Auntie Meg and never being a mom. Well, that quickly changed. Frank and I found out and it wasn't the best day of our lives. So many people seem to want to see us fail or bother us with worries and reminders of what's to come, but what people don't know is we had our breakdown. We had our hour of darkness and we're both ashamed of how it happened. We were falling apart by March because we were a new couple wrapped up in the honeymoon stage of our relationship and it got to be too much. Things were fixed for a while and in May we lost it. We screamed at the top of our lungs. We pushed, we pulled, we cried, we yelled, we punched things, he fought to leave, I fought for him to stay, I fought for him to just leave and let me "take care of" the "baby situation", he fought for me to stay and start a family with him. Our last late night battle came after I was hospitalized for pain and I thought I lost the baby. I thought it was us being selfish horrible people that had pushed my body so far I had hurt the baby and I went in to a dark place and despite the fighting, Frank didn't leave my side. He held my hand every second I cried, he wiped my tears away when the pain wouldn't stop, he waited on me hand and foot telling me that he loved me and everything was going to be ok. I was terrified and we didn't even tell my parents I was in the hospital. I wanted so desperately to call them and have them there but I was so scared I'd lost the baby the last thing I wanted to do was call them in the middle of the night and say "please come to the hospital I think I'm having a miscarriage and by the way I'm pregnant".
I would take my alcohol problem and party years over that time in my life. I've never been more devestated or disgusted with myself. I hated myself for putting a new life in so much danger...and to this day Frank and I fight and say "well maybe you should rethink that because I'll leave you if you do that" but in all honesty, I couldn't and wouldn't have endured any of it if I hadn't had him. If it had been any other guy, I wouldn't be where I am now. We were laying in bed last night ready to go to sleep and Frank asked me what I would honestly be doing if I wasn't having a baby...I told him I think I would have pushed him away because when I took the pregnancy tests, just hours before Frank was telling me he was done and didn't know if he wanted to stay or not...I thought I would have driven him away and I told him I would have done what I'm famous for doing. I'd gather my shit and leave. I'd go to a new place and start over because the heartbreak of being so close to him would have killed me...
I don't always agree with Frank. We are black and white. We are polar opposites. We couldn't disagree more on almost any and everything. I'm starting to think that's why we fit. Neither of us bend for each other. We're both so stubborn we fight over the smallest and the biggest stuff...but it's 90% of the time when we're just hanging out or laying on the bed talking to each other about our dreams and goals for the future together that we get along better than peanut butter and jelly. It's times when he comes home and gives me a big bear hug and says he "just wants to hold us" and gives me a kiss on the forehead that I know we can do it. It's when he walks in the door with flowers for no reason at all and kisses me and tells me he loves me that I know he's it.
When we told my mom I was pregnant, she asked Frank-why me, why is he with me, how am I not too much, doesn't he get fed up, doesn't he want to leave, does he want to stick around and commit the rest of his life to me and our son, am I worth it? My mom is a bitch like that, she never has seemed to understand that I am actually lovable and have a string of guys calling me 'the one that got away'. She doesn't get why anyone dates me. I don't mind, I don't get why my dad stays with her sometimes. It evens out. I was hurt though when she asked Frank because Frank is the only guy I've ever felt this way over and he's the father of my baby and I love him to the moon and back and I know he loves me just as much...and I was scared of how he would answer. When she said "don't you find her to be the most difficult person to deal with Frank?" he responded without missing a beat - "difficult but rewarding....and the reward outweighs everything. No we don't say how much we love each other all the time when we're around yall or even between just us and that doesn't mean I don't love her. That means we love each other so much, we're so in love with each other we feel it when we're in the same room and it isn't always necessary for me to verbalize it. I'm not trying to convince myself that I love your daughter, I know I love her...and I know I want a future with her and our son. I want a family with them and I don't want either of you questioning that."
I can hear him say those words as if he just spoke them sitting on our couch at the ranch. When I get scared or discouraged or upset, I remember that NO, we have no clue what the hell we're doing. We know nothing about being parents. We know nothing about raising a baby. But YES, we know everything about love and endurance. We know everything about rising from our ashes and making the best out of what we've got. We know everything about our friendship which will carry us to the stars and back when everything seems to not be working. Our friendship saves our relationship almost everyday. It's what helps us know our son is going to be fine. Frank is what makes me happy to start a family. Frank is what makes me happy period.
Every time we go to the doctor and get an update on little Frankie, everytime I see his sonogram pictures, everytime I feel him kick or move around, everytime Frank puts his hand on my stomach and talks to our son I fight back tears because I'm so happy with what I've got. It wasn't the way I ever dreamed or planned it would be. It's better. I am madly in love with the man of my dreams and I'm being blessed with an amazing baby boy. My family is on board now, his family is on board and it's just us waiting until our beautiful little boy gets here. I'm excited because as much as my life will continue to change, I know it's changing for the better...and I'm perfectly fine with that.
Frank Wood Roberts, you're in for one hell of a ride when you get here...we can't wait. 90 days.
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