And Before We Knew It....Fall Was Here...

Changes yo. Lots of them. Something insane for every month :/

October- Frankie's 1st Halloween. This is scary, I'm really starting to think he might be walking on his own by then and that's a big step for me to process. I'm proud Franny and myself have raised such a strong smart baby but it is the most painful thing to watch someone you made and who depended on you for every little thing suddenly start to not need you anymore. If you aren't a parent yet, please do your parents a favor and lie. Lie to them, make them feel all the time as though you need them in some way. Tell them you need them to help you decide how to cook dinner. You need help with your job, relationship, school, whatever. When Frankie pushes my hands away and tries to do things on his own it makes me proud he's able to but it secretly breaks my heart that he doesn't need me as much as he once did. I never thought I would be a very emotional parent or a needy parent but it seems as though I am truly a mirror image of my mother, I'm needy. I cry every day when I see him do something by himself and execute it so perfectly. It makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I'll be on suicide watch on his wedding day. Anyways, Halloween...what does he go as? Where should we take him? It's a big ordeal. I'm a hot mess over it. 

November...-....the month from HELL. Frankie turns 1. I will be on suicide watch yet again. I will be....the biggest hot mess....that ever roamed the Earth. I cannot fathom him turning a year old. It just....I can't even....tissues. Lots and lots of tissues. A plethora of tissues. Buy tissues or boxes of wine for me because I will need them. I will need copious amounts of both. I have no clue what kind of party to have, how to plan it, or where to have it, or if I even want to celebrate it because it means Frankie is one year closer to growing up and not needing his Momma anymore. Heeaarrttwrenching. Ok fine, I'm very excited about planning it but I'm dramatic and eccentric so I have to make a big deal of the entire ordeal and not just the day of cake and punch. I have an obligation to act as batshit crazy as Liza or Elizabeth on this subject. *And if you don't know which women I'm referring to we should maybe not be friends anymore....because it's no secret which crazy famous women of the world I adore*. Ideas for this huge event? Monster party? Monsters Inc. style? He could dress up as Frankenstein? One suggestion was Cars and no offence but HELLOOOO, his shower was Hot Wheels!!! (Thank you Whitney & Val for kicking ass and making it the most badass/adorable/awesome shower EVER) Cars would be cute....for when he's 5. Dinosaur party? Little Prince party? Royalty themed? Spongebob party because sometimes I think he loves Spongebob more than me and Dada. Rock n Roll themed? Ideas are appreciated. Right after his birthday is Thanksgiving....Jody, Mandy, you guys suck Godzilla balls for having to miss bday party AND Turkey day but you'll be here for Christmas so, comme ci comme ca. Teeechnically Frankie already had his 1st Thanksgiving but he was 3 days old and sleeping....all day. So...this year he can actually eat big people food as well which will be fun (BRING ON THE SWEET POTATOES!!!!). 

December- Frankie's. 1st. Real. Christmas. O.M.F.G. Last year at Christmas he was a month old and kinda chilled on the tree while Frank and I gave him all his gifts. Which he stared at....so this year he will actually be able to attempt to open presents and eat candy and act all crazy. Now the great debate of telling him about Santa....we should probably introduce him to Santa now so we can bribe him throughout the years to behave because we all know who sees you when you're sleeping...and who knows when you're awake....which is tres creepy on Santa's part. Which reminds me...This is how I see Santa...

And then New Years followed quickly by my birthday and then mine and Frank's anniversary. So....there will be something monumental each month for a while....and it's really exciting but very scary. So much change but it's all such good change. I want to share it all with everyone I love so very much but I'm just not sure how to make it possible. Oh, by facebook of course. Anyways. That my friends is what is going on in my head these days...party ideas, seriously....send them to me. I'm desperate. 

Teen Mom. More or Less, Farrah is a Heinous Bitch.

All I can honestly say about last weeks episode is hot damn Farrah is a heinous bitch. Seriously. Does she not remember that her parents let her live in their HUGE NICE other house!?!?! Did she forget that they pay for half her shit and watch Sophia all the time!?!?! I was reading on MTV's fan page that people think she's becoming a better mom and needs a chance and just needs an attitude adjustment....I say NAY. She needs a bitch slap. She needs a big fat bitch slap and dose of reality. I feel really bad her HIGH SCHOOL boyfriend died and I get that an accident like that can take it's tole on a person but do people HAVE to use death as a crutch forever?! And must she use it as an excuse to last out at everyone and be rude, disrespectful, hateful, and snobby to every person she meets? She's a horrible person and I feel bad for Sophia. That poor baby is going to be raised thinking that it's ok to treat people like dirt. At this point, I even like the fat one more than Farrah (Amber being the far on obvs). I don't even feel like writing about the other girls. I just want it known that Farrah is a rude ungrateful little bitch and she doesn't deserve all the chances she has been given. My mother drives me BAT SHIT CRAZY because she herself is BAT SHIT CRAZY....but damnit that's my mother. No she did not birth me, she adopted me. She adopted me even though I was sick, had no life expectancy, and had thousands of dollars in experimental and revolutionary medical operations ahead for me. She still raised me, loved me, and cared for me and for that alone I owe her more than my life. If I EVER raised my voice or cursed at or around my parents I would be spanked, lectured, and grounded. I can't say it's all her parents fault because I would give up after a while if I had to deal with it.This is why as much as it will hurt me, I will yell at my son when he does something horrible when he gets older. I will ground him, I will make him earn every item in his room, and I will not hesitate to bend him over my knee if he needs it...bc I WILL teach my son respect, manners, and rules. If I ended up with a male Farrah, I'd fuckin kill myself.

Reflection & Advice

So I find myself sitting here on this Saturday afternoon realizing that as school starts, so many people I know are starting college or high school or just growing up in general. One example is one of my best friends' little sister is starting her freshman year of college at my parents alma mater A&M and it just hit me....holy shit...I'm old, and nothing in life is slowing down for me to take in what's going on around me. In our Roberts household, we have a routine that consists of waking up, Frank going to work, Frankie waking up, coffee, snacks, playtime, lunch, playtime, snacks, Frank getting home, dinner, bath time, Daddy Meow and Momma Meow time watching tv, then bed...and all over again and before I know it, my son is almost 9 months old!?!? It hit me that time really does fly and sometimes it doesn't give you time to stand on your own two feet and see clearly. Sometimes you feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and you can't stop spinning. After all I've been through I feel like I have a lot to say to not just young people starting life on their own but to adults who have lost sight of what matters. After all this realization I decided that some of you might need a few words of advice. So...

Life has many lessons to learn. In them you learn who your real friends are & who really cares. These are the people to keep around even when you don't want to...because nothing is better than a true friend. Don't be scared to say I Love You...it's a scary phrase but you'll regret all the times you didn't say it more than the times you DID but didn't mean it. TALK. Don't be afraid to say what's truly on your heart & especially your mind...the words left unspoken will haunt you more than anything else ever could or will. Remember that every decision you make could make or break it with loved ones. People will always want what's "best for you" & some don't realize they want too much for you. We can only try to find a way to let them care without pushing them away. Don't take things or people for granted. Above all...remember that only with true love and peace can you TRULY be happy. Don't throw away either for the sake of your pride. Remember...your choices are half chance...so are everyone else's. LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. Don't be scared to jump into life...you may crash and burn...people may talk...but at least you'll know what it's like to LIVE.

And on a sentimental note? Here is something I have favored for a long time. It still makes me tear up. I listen to it whenever I need a pick me up or feel the need for advice. Soak it in and be grateful for every breath you take today.

My Going On's...

Why Megan, what's going on in your life? I'm curious as to how things are in your neck of the woods! 

How am I you ask? Well I'd sure love to tell ya! Pull up a chair...

Lately things have been happ-nin. My son Frankie (who is pure perfection in every way) has two little parrot teeth on the bottom and this leads to really horrible shitty nursing sessions. I love my son, but I hate having my boobies gnawed on. Gross you say? Well screw off, you're not the one having boobies bitten ya asshole. What else...I started selling Avon...so...if you're reading this, do me a solid and stop fucking wasting time on a g.d. blog and go to avon.com and buy some Avon from me because those dollhairs I make help feed/clothe/diaper my child...and every day you DON'T buy something from me, you are actively NOT helping my child! So, how's that for guilt...ok don't buy stuff if you don't want to but I'd sure love it if you did. I started doing it because...well, because several reasons. We're always broke as shit (who isn't when you have a baby) and it gives me something to do. It makes me feel like I have purpose. Being a stay at home mom is really hard on a person. I sometimes feel kinda useless since Frank is the breadwinner and although I love Frank and he's perfect and all, sometimes even he makes me feel like I could be doing more...so frustrating. All I used to do was work work work and now....now I do nothing but sit at home...and pick up toys...and feed the small one cheerios...and make juice bottles..and do the dishes...and cooking for 3...and laundry...and I know some of those things are things a normal single girl would do by herself but...not daily. These things are daily and it just...seems like I'm stagnant...then again someone pointed out that it only seems like it's going faster but my job is to raise Frankie and I forget how fast he's growing because I see him everyday...but everyday he grows in leaps and bounds and even though it seems repetitive to me it's kinda new for him everyday and he's slowly becoming a small person. I should be proud of that...it's just hard sometimes to pat yourself on the back when it seems like you're running in circles. 

Other things on my mind...how do you forgive people when they do what seems like unforgivable things in your eyes? Like...do people just move on and forgive and forget? As I grow older I'm starting to think that not everything is forgivable. I see people in a different light now that I'm older, sober, and a mother and I don't like what I'm seeing. Maybe I need to meditate on what I have to say and save it for tomorrow...leave you guys wanting more...

Teen Mom...ugh.

Sorry, I've been slacking. I keep finding it harder and harder for me to sit down and write....but I swear I'm gonna get back on it...because I find it keeps me sane...and it keeps my friends/readers in the loop that is my insanity.

Teen Mom. Last week and this week...let me elaborate my thoughts. Let us start withhhh.....

Farrah-

Dear Farrah, you are an obnoxious snooty bitch and I have yet to find the ability to NOT feel like cunt punting you. Even when you cry about your dead boyfriend, I don't give a shit. Over the last two episodes we watched her worry about only herself (yet again) and belittle those around her that try and help (her poor mother). She has acted SO immature about the issue with Derek's mom. For those of you living under a rock and don't know what's going on, Farrahs' would be mother in law served her with papers to grant her grandparent visitation rights. The odd thing here is when Farrah applied for Derek's social security benefits for Sophia she was denied because Derek's mom never vocalized that Derek was in need Sophia's father...but if he wasn't her father then why would she want Grandparent visitation rights? See what I'm sayin? I think the only shitty thing in Farrah's life is the denial of SS money for that baby because even though she finally graduated from culinary school, she still needs all the financial help she can get for that baby and if that baby's grandmother isn't willing to do that for that baby then maybe Farrah needs to take legal action. Maybe instead of being childish and doing nothing about it (assuming it will all go away if ignored) maybe she should reach out to Derek's mom and let her know, "Bitch, if you aren't gonna help out with the SS situation to help me raise this baby and acknowledge that your son is the father of this baby then you sure as shit don't deserve grandparent visitation!" It's also kind of selfish for Farrah to deny a grandparent visitation since Sophia is a part of someone's dead child...I understand not wanting a grandparent in a child's life (I'll write about that one next) but it's not fair to the child, it's not always about the parent (so I myself have learned). And about the stupid dog she got? Dumb. Dumb fucking choice Farrah. You can barely keep up with your HUMAN CHILD....I'm sure some viewer will be calling ASPCA on your ass by next weeks episode because you suck. At everything. And you still have the worlds WORST, UGLIEST crying face. Congrats.

On to Caitlyn and Tyler.

I'm still ooged out that they are legally step brother and sister...but I LOVE them. They are soooo kind, sweet, and genuine which is a shock considering where they come from. I'm so proud of them for moving out on their own and getting jobs while STILL in high school! It's almost like they're doing what they would have had to do if they HAD kept Carly...and that's why I love them so much...they do so withOUT complaining. It's heartbreaking to see what Caitlyn is going through at the retreat and as a child that was given up for adoption, it's hard for me to watch her story unfold but at the same time...it gives me hope that my birth mother maybe felt the same way she did and maybe went through what she did. She gives us an eye opening account of what it's like to be a mother and not be a parent...I always have and always will root for those two. I hope they go far and continue to keep contact with Carly's new parents.

Maci....for the first time, I have beef with Maci. Last week, she and Ryan decided to have a joined birthday party for Bentley but Maci got stingy with her time with him. I know it must be hard to leave your child 2 days a week...but she has him 5, FIVE days out of the week and the rest of the time he's with HIS FATHER. It's not the end of the world! Granted, on Bentley's actual birthday she and Kyle invited Ryan to go with them to the aquarium and he turned them down (telling his parents that Maci said he couldn't see Bentley...which was a lie). Ryan later bitched at Bentley's birthday party to his parents but it's his own fault he didn't see Bentley. Ryan is half and half. Sometimes you can see he wants to spend time with him but other times he doesn't make a TRUE HONEST effort to see his son. If he wanted to see his son on his bday, he shoulda been a grown up, and tit sucked it up and gone to the g.d. aquarium and spent time with his son. It would have helped him bond with Kyle who is playing more of a dad role in Bentley's life anyways... Another issue I have with Ryan and his family is his stupid mom. She cried at their little bon fire over how Maci wasn't "sharing"...and yeah Maci was being a bitch about Halloween and hogging time with Bentley but it's none of the grandparents god damned business. Like Ryan's dad said, it's about Bentley, not Ryan, not Maci, and sure as shit not them. Then Ryan's parents have the balls to go on about taking Maci to court for joint custody...let me just remind EVERYONE that when Ryan and Maci first had Bentley, the only footage that was shown was Ryan treating Maci like shit and never being there for her OR Bentley. It seems like this season he had a come to Jesus moment and wants to spend more time with him but he STILL doesn't want to be a full time dad...he acts like Bentley is more like a chore and I think the only reason he's difficult is to try and get at Maci. He says he doesn't care but he obviously does or else he would try and make the whole sharing thing a lot easier. Oh, and Ryan...your mom is a dumb bitch for thinking you can take Maci to court just because she lives with Ryan. Why don't you call up good old MTV and ask them to show you all the times your precious son acted like a piece of shit dad and didn't want to spend time with his son while Maci stayed cooped up taking care of him all day every day. Why don't you take a look at all the times he cussed Maci out calling her a bitch and a slut. That's the mother of YOUR grandson...have some class and have some common sense when it comes to your own son. When your own son grows up enough to move out on his own (like EVERYONE else on the show, Christ even Gary and Amber have) and actually take care of his son then maybe you can talk shit about what Maci is doing as a parent because all I saw was her having a healthy functional relationship with someone while being a full time mom and student while your son wasn't working and just partying or hanging out in yalls garage with all his buddies or his dumb gf he had for a while that tried to undermine Maci's parenting. Maci wins, and Ryan is a fucking dickbag.

Amber and Gary...GOOOOODDDD bless it. Where do I START!?!?!?!!?! AMBER....IS YOUR FAT ASS REALLY THAT MESSED UP THAT YOU ARE IN THAT MUCH DENIAL OF YOUR ACTIONS!?!?!?!?! I don't understand...MTV films this shit, then airs it, and all these bitches watch themselves on tv....and Amber is THE ONLY one that seems to act/think/feel that nothing that happened...happened. !?!?!?!?! I'm sure the cameras make things out to be whatever they want it to be but Amber's behavior has been heavily monitored since last season and she hasn't done ANYTHING to better herself. I keep reading that her issue is her weight and she's "terrified" about going back to being big...newsflash bitch, you're a fat cow with a shitty attitude, bi-polar disorder, and serious lack of parenting skills. "Oh but Megan, as a mother yourself, you shouldn't tear her down!" You're right bitches, I AM a mother, she is a pathetic excuse for a "parent" bc she sure as shit isn't a mother. I don't give a damn how young you are or how undeveloped your feelings and mind are because the other 3 girls have shown they can do it...well...Farrah attempts at it...but damnit at least she tries. Amber and Gary both should just put that poor child up for adoption in hopes of a better life for her. Apparently Gary and Leah flew out to Malibu to visit Amber in rehab at the first of August...real nice, Amber is fat, depressed, and suicidal so she gets to go to a rehab facility in MALIBU!?!?! Shove that bitch in a crappy dump in shiteous Indiana and don't send her to the home of Barbie. That's a crock of shit. I don't even want to talk about her anymore. Or Leah's shitty birthday party. I'm too upset to discuss it. Bottom line, Gary and Amber really screwed the pooch when they made a baby...only because they did such a royal fuck job "raising" her. I pray to God CPS takes her away and lets be her adopted into a REAL home with NORMAL people. The END!

Bambling

Things have been on my mind. Lots of things....let me get started.

Casey Anthony-I want her to literally drop dead. I don't give a shit if someone shoots her, or if she gets hit by a bus, or run over by a train....I would just like for her to drop dead. I think she's a useless crazy piece of shit and if she didn't murder her 2 year old baby girl (she totally did) then she didn't do shit about her "missing" and for that alone she deserves to drop dead. End of story. Also...I hate Jose Baez. I don't know how the fuck the jury found him "likeable". He makes me want to punch myself in the vagina. 

Speaking of babies? Teething ones make me want to coincidentally pull out my out teeth. I love my son more than anything in the universe but let it be known...any baby getting his first tooth WILL make you want to shoot yourself at some point in time. You can't do much about it. Not to mention my son is already a whiny momma's boy...but I'm ok with that. It's amazing to see a person grow right before your eyes. Something as small as a tooth is such a milestone that adults just gush over. He's eating big people food now, off my plate! I can't believe how fast he's growing up...its scary. Makes me wish I could freeze time...

Teen Mom

So it's time for me to grace the world with my thoughts on Teen Mom. I watched the season premier and let me give you the run down for what I hope to see for each mom throughout the season.

Let's start with the easy ones. Maci. I hope to god this sweet girl can say what I'm thinking and tell Ryan that he can kindly fuck off. He's not been the best example for a parent so I don't think he has a whole hell of a lot of room to judge her for moving in with Kyle (the bf I absolutely adore) and trying to make a stable home for her precious baby boy Bentley. In the first episode, Ryan had the audacity to tell Maci that people wanted to know if Kyle was "slow". This coming from the idiot who is going to coast through life on his decent looks alone. My favorite part about it all? Kyle found out what Ryan asked and his response? Classic. When Maci asked why he couldn't get along with Ryan he said, "Because he's a 3 year old...and so am I right now" and when Maci laughed and asked for a kiss, he quickly responded with "No" "Why not?" "Because I don't know how, I'm slow". These two are my favorite. Maci is trying and she seems like such a damn good mom. Unless she screws it up, she will remain my favorite. I hope she and Kyle move in together and I hope they find a way to make Ryan realize, the time has come to grow up and start moving on as separate people and do it maturely...because that's what's best for sweet little Bentley.

Caitlyn and Tyler...bless their hearts, they have the craziest situation and yet seem to be the most healthy happy ones out of the whole thing. Sure, they're still immature but I have to remember they're still kids. They are somehow coping with having batshit crazy and verbally abusive parents. Adoption isn't easy on a person and since they chose open adoption, they still feel the need to do "What's best for Caylee" on a daily basis even though they don't have her anymore. I really respect that. I hope they do move out and live together...I hope they make it work and show everyone they can do it and I hope they graduate from high school with diploma's. I'm rooting for them!

Farrah. Ughhh...I hope she stops being such a selfish bi-polar little bitch and stops whining about Sophia's dad Derek. He's dead. He died. He's worm food...get over it for cryin out loud! She's going to use his death as an excuse to be a hot mess for the next 3 years...I know it. I hope she stops having such a footface and I hope she realizes that her "modeling" is nothing more than posing behind a cheap local brand's camera at the very best and since she isn't Giselle she won't make enough money to support herself and Sophia...and a gd boob job won't fuckin help a bit. She has a trampy footface and her crying face makes me want to punch a kitten and or puppy. I hope she grows up, gets a real job, and stops being so obnoxious. I'm actually typing with anger at this point and killing my keys so let me go grab a cookie and get my mind off of Farrah.

Annnnnd Amber....ugh. Well, I give her props to dumping the weird creepy clingy guy that was so lame and trying to get her family back together...but lets not forget what all this crazy bitch did when the cameras stopped rolling after last season. She was charged and plead guilty to domestic violence chargers and lost custody of Leah (I can't WAIITTT to see this!) because domestic violence in front of a child is a felony in Indiana. Good. I'm glad. That bitch is bi-polar and bat shit crazy and shouldn't be around her child until she gets help (or sedatives). She ALSO tried to commit suicide last month. She got in yet another fight with Gary (I'm sure over something awesome, like how much he loves her and tried to calm her down and she flipped out) and then took a bunch of pills and was found with a rope around her neck drifting in and out of consciousness. I don't know what the hell to think about her. She's so crazy and mean and absolutely delusional I just think I'll have to wait and see how the season plays out before I bash her to bits. 

Stay tuned guys....this season is gonna be the balls and I can't wait. 

Happy Berfday Brit-knee.

So, my female soul mate suggested that I write about Joaquin Phoenix. It's her day of birth...so I'll humor her with my thoughts on him.

I remember a very young Joaquin in the movie Parenthood...when he had a masturbation problem. I find this highlarious...to be your first role? Maybe this is the root of his..."insanity". He started out gorgeous and talented.

I about fell over my feet swooning over him as the evil emperor in Gladiator. I thought he was so handsome and sexy in Signs. Then he stunned me with Walk the Line...and started gettin a little sloppy.

He unexpectedly announced in late 2008 that he had retired from acting to pursue a "rapping career", and that Two Lovers would be his last film. On February 11, 2009, Phoenix appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman to promote Two Lovers. He was absofruitly bat shit crazy, acting bizarre and was outrageously unresponsive towards David's questions about the film and such. Phoenix appeared on Late Show again in September 2010 and claimed that his "retirement" and eccentric behavior were for a mockumentary, I'm Still Here (2010), that he and Casey Affleck were filming.

This says different.

The man is wearing a fucking e-z comb. WTF!?!?!?!?! Not to mention his profile sure doesn resemble a currently derranged Mel Gibson. I hope to god he doesn't snap and go as crazy as him or Charlie Sheen. My little heart can't handle another heartbreak from one of my faves gone nutzo. All I know is The Master (set to release in 2013) better kick some serious ass and prove to me that he isn't a lost cause.

I don't want him to go to waste after Gladiator, Signs, The Village, Hotel Rwanda, Ladder 49, Walk the Line, We Own the Night, or Reservation Road because every one of those were amazing films. In the mean time...

verse 1:

(whispered) can’t f**k around

lift up higher turn yourself around

knees and chest then f**kin on the ground

get up kids and eat a bowl of damages

get your ass in the game (dramatic pause)

lift up higher turn yourself around

knees and chest then f**kin on the ground

get up kids and look all around

get …

get …
get….

(unintelligable unintelligable, unintelligable)

it’s gettin’ hot in here

repeat chorus

fall off stage

GAGA Ooo La La

Perfection. Creativity. Originality. Inspiration. Happiness. Freedom.

Most musicians strive to achieve all the above. Few actually achieve it. To me music is something that moves your soul. I sing. I dance. I play instruments. I do all very well. Ergo, I would like to think I can openly discuss the matter of music with justification for my conclusions. I don't always like what others like and others don't always see what I see and that's fine. One thing I do see that most of the world is in agreement with is Lady Gaga is so damn perfect she just might be the anti-Christ.

In MY eyes....she puts Madonna to shame. She makes Cher boring. She has made Dolly seem boring. She makes Celine barely a memory.

She isn't the most beautiful woman in the world...and that is why I find her so beautiful. She looks like the average girl next door....she just travels by egg.

If you ever have some time to kill, just youtube all her music videos. The time, passion, attention to detail, and careful planning that go into all of them are just a mind fuck to watch. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the possibility that there is someone out there in  this world that is amazing and talented enough to come up with the insanity that she produces. Her sound...her lyrics...her look...her everyday speech and ideals....they make me want to persue my love for music. Her love and appreciation are a trip in an age where most want to descriminate or be ungrateful.

I mean it when I say...I love Lady Gaga. She quickly became my favorite person. I would give my right boob to hang out with her for a day and get to know her. She does so much and does it so well and with such grace...she has to be the anti-Christ...here to mind fuck us all into hell.

If that's the case...may I burn in hell happily.

Je veux ton amour

Et je veux ta revanche

J'veux ton amour

I don't wanna be friends



I'm Baaaaccckkkk

Well, so much has changed since I last wrote but now that we are settled in our new life here in Roanoke I think it's time for me to start writing again. 

So what to talk about since I haven't written in so long? How about my son. When I was writing before he wasn't here yet and I was just mentally preparing for what was to come and I must say, NOTHING could have prepared me for Mommy mode. It is literally THE GREATEST thing that a person could experience. I've said I was happy before and it's almost heartbreaking at how far from "happy" I really was!!! My son is just the apple of my eye!!! It's alarming/gratifying at how fast he is growing and learning. He's developing so fast it's hard them o decide what to feel. Part of me is proud and excited and yet every single night before Frank gets home he takes a nap before dinner and he curls up on my chest and I take a moment to turn off the tv and just be consumed by all his perfection. Every single day I cry and hug him and wish he was still just a baby newborn and then cry and thank God he's so healthy, beautiful, and intelligent. I understand why growing up is so hard for parents to watch. I want another child so bad but I don't know if I can handle the heartbreak of them growing up. It's a beautiful amazing thing but it's hard to think that soon they won't need you or want you as much. I cannot adequately describe the love and infatuation I have for my son. I say infatuated because something new every single day just has me unable to tear my eyes away from him. If he's a disease I'll willingly and happily die by his illness.

 

A good friend recently asked me how Frank and I make it work. I told them, I have no fucking clue. I don't know that we "work" at all sometimes bc of our differences but somehow we seem to see past it all no matter what. We fight hard but love each other harder and that's something I'm proud of. When he walks in the door from work every night, the sight of him alone makes my heart skip a beat. When we put Frankie to bed and kiss his forhead, I swoon at how much he loves and cares for our son. When we are driving down the road on our little family trips to the mall or out to eat and he takes my hand, I feel my cheeks get flushed and I always smile. When he rolls over and bear cuddles me at night telling me he loves me and goodnight, my HEART smiles. When I hear his ringtone or text tone go off my stomach gets into knots and I can't wait to grab my phone and see what he says. Frank drives me absolutely crazy all the time. He knows how to push my buttons and he will do it without remorse. He does things continuously knowing how much I hate them....but at the end of the day I'll be damned if I don't find myself still in that "honeymoon" stage and just nearly unable to contain my love for my BEST FRIEND.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know how or why anything has turned out the way it has for me but I know it's perfection and it's more than I ever could have asked for. I went from a hot mess, irresponsible, raging alcoholic to....whatever I am now. A sober, happy, healthy mom and life partner and I'd like to think I'm damn good at both. It isn't easy. It's hard. I was warned but warnings can't prepare you. I didn't think I'd be able to do it either but....here I am. I'm doing it happily and it's getting easier. I'm doing what I was meant to do...be a mommy.

 

I've come to realize....Frank is my soulmate and Frankie is my soul.